Becoming a parent is as if someone is holding up a giant mirror in front of you. You are forced to look at yourself always, forced to see everything; all the good and all the bad. I learnt, very quickly after becoming a Father, that there is no hiding from this mirror. There are no cracks to disappear into. This is not Through the Looking Glass, you cannot cross into another dimension far removed of reality. There are brief moments of reprieve, moments where you can look away from the mirror, date night with my wife, a night off with friends etc. - but you always have to look again and face your reflective self.
It is during this locked gaze that I analyse and over analyse. The tiniest blemish that could have been where I lost patience, said something I shouldn’t, becomes magnified - what is it? Objects In The Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are... could I have done something differently. How should I have acted differently, did I make the right decision? Blemishes become blotches that become birth marks the size of a full moon poised in a black sky - so blinding in its blatantness.
Everything I fear reveals itself to me in that mirror.
She's so vulnerable. Fragile. Sometimes, I'll bend down and kneel at her level. I'll see the world as she does. Everything is so much bigger than what it really is. And with size comes fear. We as her parents are the only ones that can control that fear; that can shrink it down into insignificance. So it rests on us to guide her through the dense forest of life, to chop down branches that hang too low, to rip up overgrown bushes that overwhelm the path. With that responsibility comes this internal pressure to be perfect - to make the right decisions. Always.
But just as quickly as I realised that there was no hiding from it, I concluded something else: I don't want to hide from it. I want to see it. Hold it up and hold it close, I want to know everything about myself so that I can push to correct it all. Every blemish on my skin - I want to peel it off until all that is the left is the smoothness of perfection.
I'm not afraid. I am ready for the challenge. I will make mistakes but I will confront them, I will right them and I will better myself. I will learn, using the mirror, to watch myself, to adapt, to change and to soar.
But there is always that thought that lingers... hangs in the space between minutes. What if, those marks that I see in the reflection - what if I cannot remove them?
What if I can’t change?
